8 posts tagged “family”
In Biblical times, the Scapegoat was an important community ritual, whereby a litany of the sins and tribulations of the tribe were recited, and symbolically laden onto the back of a goat. The goat was then released into the desert, to bear their burdens away.
A cleansing had occurred, through the ritual of naming and atonement.
~*~
But scapegoating isn’t about ritual anymore, is it?
We don’t make masks, or sacrifice goats – we sacrifice people – people who challenge our status quo, make us feel uncomfortable, do things we don’t agree with or think are ‘right’ – or people who fail to do what we have decided they ’should have’ done. Scapegoats are people who are just plain vulnerable to the hostile social, psychological discrediting routine some people use to shift accountability, responsibility, guilt and blame away from themselves. As was said in a recent Tricycle post, “if you want to hurt someone, demonize them first.”
Scapegoats are sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, lovers, husbands, wives, ex-anyones, co-workers – they sit beside you in restaurants, on buses, and at your dinner table.
Scapegoats are never born. They are made.
Scapegoat could be me …
or you.
Thoughts to ponder:
- Do you feel you have been scapegoated in your family?
- Can you be self aware enough to see where you may have scapegoated others in your family?
- What might change in your family if people could deal openly and compassionately with the issue of scapegoating?
Without question, being in a perpetually hurtful relationship hurts. Many people come to estrangement after years of working really hard to try to mend broken relationships, heal wounded ones and grow stunted ones – and failing. For most people, estrangement was not their first choice, but does estrangement really put an end to the hurt?
“I don’t have to deal with new hurt.
That’s the ‘gift’ of estrangement. I know if I were involved with my
family, I would fall right back into being their punching bag. I’m not ok though. Not ok at all.”
Estrangement can seem like the only solution when it feels like you
have tried everything else. In the case of truly abusive and damaging
relationships, estrangement might appear a wise and healthy choice indeed. “My father sexually abused my sister and me. He has no remorse around any of it. We don’t need him in our lives.”
However, some people who have consciously chosen to estrange to prevent
further injury, will report feeling emotionally tethered to the
relationship, even though the person(s) are no longer a part of their
lives. “I feel like I have spent my whole life looking for people
to give me the love, acceptance and approval I never got from my
mother. We will die without me ever having known why she couldn’t love
me.” Other people who are estranged from a family member report very high levels of ambivalence about their relationship and
choice to sever the relationship. “I don’t want to be around him, but it hurts to be without him. I’m numb about the whole thing.”
Estrangement carries consequences that
people may not consider at the point of choosing to cut away from their
families. Each family member carries a piece of the ‘collective’ family
story and to lose even one person, is to lose an essential part of the
history and story of the family. “I have no photos of myself as a
child. My family would have them, but I can’t ask for them. I feel like
I am a ghost sometimes.” Estrangement also carries some very pragmatic losses. “I’m
pregnant and will be having my first child. I have no idea if there are
health things I should be aware of..you know, stuff that runs in the
family … because I don’t talk to anyone in my family.”
Estrangement does not always end the hurt, and in fact, can create a whole different set of consequences, which are often just as painful.
Things to ponder ….
- Has estrangement ‘fixed’ your hurts?
- Has your estrangement created hurt for others?
- How do you emotionally ‘manage’ your estrangement?
- Do you feel like you have lost part of your family ’story’?
- Do you ever feel like you have lost essential pieces of your own history?
There is a door. I feel like I should write this poetically. A closed door poem.
A poem about walking up and down a hallway a dozen times a day, and studiously avoiding the closed door, the forbidden door, the door which if opened, "will only bring misery on thyself"
There is a door. There are no poems inside me for this door. Not today at any rate. The door is my daughter's and its been shut, more or less, since she left for a one month holiday, two months ago and never came back. No, she's not dead - she's just 'estranging'. I don't know why I am so devastated, shell shocked with grief and loss ... estranging is something my family excel at. I even saw it coming, not because we had problems in our relationship (we were quite close), not because she was lacking for something at home (we've got a pretty respectable life), not even because she had any big or horrible problem that most other 16 year old girls don't have. I saw it coming because its deja vu - patterns, converging. Hell, I even spoke to her about it before she left.
So there is a door. A month has come and gone and I still have not been able to walk through that door and clean up her room. I sit in tears even thinking about it. In fact, I cry, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, the shower and in bed. I've been to the doctor, refusing to take drugs that would numb me out, and stuff the hurt deeper. I've been trying to find my sea legs again. I remain awed by how deeply children can wound; how senselessly and how innocently they betray, how righteously they blame. I can't imagine what is going on for her at the moment. Our brief correspondence has been littered with ends, justifying means.
It doesn't mean things won't change, and we won't sort things out. Love is powerful, even more powerful than family patterns and history, or so I'd like to believe. But for today, there is a door and I cannot walk through it.
A poem about walking up and down a hallway a dozen times a day, and studiously avoiding the closed door, the forbidden door, the door which if opened, "will only bring misery on thyself"
There is a door. There are no poems inside me for this door. Not today at any rate. The door is my daughter's and its been shut, more or less, since she left for a one month holiday, two months ago and never came back. No, she's not dead - she's just 'estranging'. I don't know why I am so devastated, shell shocked with grief and loss ... estranging is something my family excel at. I even saw it coming, not because we had problems in our relationship (we were quite close), not because she was lacking for something at home (we've got a pretty respectable life), not even because she had any big or horrible problem that most other 16 year old girls don't have. I saw it coming because its deja vu - patterns, converging. Hell, I even spoke to her about it before she left.
So there is a door. A month has come and gone and I still have not been able to walk through that door and clean up her room. I sit in tears even thinking about it. In fact, I cry, in the car, at work, in the kitchen, the shower and in bed. I've been to the doctor, refusing to take drugs that would numb me out, and stuff the hurt deeper. I've been trying to find my sea legs again. I remain awed by how deeply children can wound; how senselessly and how innocently they betray, how righteously they blame. I can't imagine what is going on for her at the moment. Our brief correspondence has been littered with ends, justifying means.
It doesn't mean things won't change, and we won't sort things out. Love is powerful, even more powerful than family patterns and history, or so I'd like to believe. But for today, there is a door and I cannot walk through it.
I've been avoiding writing this entry. I have been wondering if what I am about to write is, in its own fashion, a betrayal. I have wondered if writing will reawaken sleeping snakes, and shake me from my pivot point. I have decided to write anyway.
This week I am looking at the First ( aka: Root, Muladhara, Base Chakra). I have already spoken at some length about the Root Chakra: Muladhara, First or Root Chakra, so I will not reiterate. Today I am going start writing by referencing something called "Betrayal Trauma".
Essentially, betrayal trauma occurs when people or institutions that are depended on for survival violate human trust. An example of betrayal trauma is childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Because such betrayals resonate at the 'tribal' or 'family' level and very much impact our ability to experience the safety and security every child requires to grow up emotionally, physically, mentally and psychically/spiritually 'adjusted' - we may consider them Root Chakra issues.
I am not going to get into a discussion about my childhood - because the issues that reside there have been rehashed for me many, many times (healing can be imagined something like a spiral - we come round and round the issue time and again, each time revisiting it from a slightly different vantage point). What I am going to say is I experienced and internalized a profound sense of betrayal and insecurity as a result of experiences that have happened in my family. What interests me today is:
1. How I view the issues - it's no longer of interest to me that these things happened - of far greater interest is what I choose to do with my awareness.
2. How I have carried these issues forward with me, and how they continue to manifest and be mirrored in my current relationships and experiences.
3. How I can continue to work through and heal the issues to move forward.
First Chakra issues are intimately connected with capital N - NEED for security, safety - for relationships we can depend upon. As an adult it is very obvious that no relationship can be guaranteed to provide 100% safety, security - and no relationship is impervious to lesser and greater betrayals. As children however, we have to trust; our very survival depends upon it.
As children, when we are wounded, or betrayed we do not have the option of walking away. Even as we become older, adults in our own right - we recognize that in order to remain a part of our 'tribe' or family - may require that we do not remember, we do not speak - we must forgive, somehow transmute pain, grief, the stomach churning sense of betrayal - and continue to love and connect. We bury our trauma in order to purchase an often illusory sense of family.
I am making a leap here, extrapolating that there is a price tag here. We can choose to 'forgive', we can choose to be silent, we can choose to maintain relationship - but at some point, remaining in the situation may well be internalized as a continuation of betrayal -- this is especially the case where the betrayals and abuse continue. In such circumstances, not only do others perpetuate breeches of caring and trust - but we betray ourselves by maintaining relationships where a pattern of betrayal is in play.
We need to bring forward our 'issues' and we need to reconcile or heal them - lest we recreate them in relationships and situations, which mirror the original trauma. When we find ourselves caught in patterns that manifest over and again in relationships and situations - we need to stop, be still and address the 'lesson'.
Whilst reconciliation in families is generally considered the ideal - because our connection to tribe and family is such an integral part of our sense of identity - it is not always possible or desirable. Sometimes we can not safely raise issues with family. Sometimes to attempt to raise issues further allows opportunities for shaming, blaming, abusing, harming. For some the family system cannot move through open healing. For some, key family members are absent through death, divorce or disconnection. Acknowledgment of hurts, apology and forgiveness lead to reconciliation - but they are not the only way forward.
I think very much of Ahimsa at this point. I wrote about Ahmisa a little bit ago; Don't Hurt. This yama is very powerful when considered in context to family betrayals and trauma. First we must find our way to Ahimsa for SELF. Ahimsa does not mean we allow others to wreck havoc on our lives and stand idly by. Ahimsa does not make doormats or victims of us. So for me - the first thing that must be done is to reduce harm to self. Until we can take ourselves out of harms way - it is unlikely we can effectively deal with others in our tribe or family situation.
Ahimsa in practice: Move with compassion, love, understanding, patience, self-love, and worthiness.
I consider the meaning of this in my own family - life. I begin by saying that forgiveness is a given - not for the family at large, but for myself. I forgive them for me. I find a point of compassion for each person in my family. I need to see that each of them have been searching for happiness and peace in their own way. What they do or have done is not personal - tho it be directed at me.
Whew.
Love. I can love them, each of them. I do not know them well. I don't understand their logic, reasoning or motivations - and I likely never will. This is ok. I can love them anyway. I can also love myself. I can love the little girl who has been damaged, hurt, abandoned and betrayed. I can love her with consistency. I can protect her from further harm. I can love the woman I have become, warts and all. I am the sum total of all that has happened to me. I will continue to transmute all those experiences and allow them to be part of what carries me forward.
Understanding. I cannot profess understanding for members of my family. I can stop asking "why". I can stop trying to make sense from non-sense. I can let go of the monkey brain that tries to sort out the why of other people's actions because the reality is I will never know, why. It is ironic that the estrangement of family is a sanction or a punishment - but one that misses the mark because I for one, have no idea what its really about! I can understand that it is not possible for me to get my need for tribal connection and family from the people who are my birth family.
Patience - patience to work through these issues as they arise and to do so with compassion with a view toward healing, forgiving, moving forward - so that I do not recreate the patterns over and again. Patience when I find myself having to wade through Root Chakra issues ... again. Patience with the people in my life who mirror these issues back to me - and allow me the opportunity to move through them in a different way. Patience for myself when I fail to see the issues for what they are. Patience for myself when I fall into patterns of behavior that do not create change or healing.
Self love - practicing compassion, gentleness, loving and caring for myself. Keeping myself out of the way of harm. Giving gentleness and caring to myself when I am gripped in the turbulence of another go round of First Chakra 'stuff'.
Worthiness - seeing myself worthy of relationships which are based in mutuality - of caring, of love, of Ahimsa. Seeing that all other people, my family too - are also worthy of Ahimsa.
It's a good deal to think on - and it certainly demands consciousness and effort. While I meditated after doing some yoga asanas (yes ones that activated First Chakra energy) today - I felt a sense of expansiveness in the vicinity of Root Chakra that I am not conscious of having ever experienced before. There is movement and that is a good thing.
This week I am looking at the First ( aka: Root, Muladhara, Base Chakra). I have already spoken at some length about the Root Chakra: Muladhara, First or Root Chakra, so I will not reiterate. Today I am going start writing by referencing something called "Betrayal Trauma".
Essentially, betrayal trauma occurs when people or institutions that are depended on for survival violate human trust. An example of betrayal trauma is childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Because such betrayals resonate at the 'tribal' or 'family' level and very much impact our ability to experience the safety and security every child requires to grow up emotionally, physically, mentally and psychically/spiritually 'adjusted' - we may consider them Root Chakra issues.
I am not going to get into a discussion about my childhood - because the issues that reside there have been rehashed for me many, many times (healing can be imagined something like a spiral - we come round and round the issue time and again, each time revisiting it from a slightly different vantage point). What I am going to say is I experienced and internalized a profound sense of betrayal and insecurity as a result of experiences that have happened in my family. What interests me today is:
1. How I view the issues - it's no longer of interest to me that these things happened - of far greater interest is what I choose to do with my awareness.
2. How I have carried these issues forward with me, and how they continue to manifest and be mirrored in my current relationships and experiences.
3. How I can continue to work through and heal the issues to move forward.
First Chakra issues are intimately connected with capital N - NEED for security, safety - for relationships we can depend upon. As an adult it is very obvious that no relationship can be guaranteed to provide 100% safety, security - and no relationship is impervious to lesser and greater betrayals. As children however, we have to trust; our very survival depends upon it.
As children, when we are wounded, or betrayed we do not have the option of walking away. Even as we become older, adults in our own right - we recognize that in order to remain a part of our 'tribe' or family - may require that we do not remember, we do not speak - we must forgive, somehow transmute pain, grief, the stomach churning sense of betrayal - and continue to love and connect. We bury our trauma in order to purchase an often illusory sense of family.
I am making a leap here, extrapolating that there is a price tag here. We can choose to 'forgive', we can choose to be silent, we can choose to maintain relationship - but at some point, remaining in the situation may well be internalized as a continuation of betrayal -- this is especially the case where the betrayals and abuse continue. In such circumstances, not only do others perpetuate breeches of caring and trust - but we betray ourselves by maintaining relationships where a pattern of betrayal is in play.
We need to bring forward our 'issues' and we need to reconcile or heal them - lest we recreate them in relationships and situations, which mirror the original trauma. When we find ourselves caught in patterns that manifest over and again in relationships and situations - we need to stop, be still and address the 'lesson'.
Whilst reconciliation in families is generally considered the ideal - because our connection to tribe and family is such an integral part of our sense of identity - it is not always possible or desirable. Sometimes we can not safely raise issues with family. Sometimes to attempt to raise issues further allows opportunities for shaming, blaming, abusing, harming. For some the family system cannot move through open healing. For some, key family members are absent through death, divorce or disconnection. Acknowledgment of hurts, apology and forgiveness lead to reconciliation - but they are not the only way forward.
I think very much of Ahimsa at this point. I wrote about Ahmisa a little bit ago; Don't Hurt. This yama is very powerful when considered in context to family betrayals and trauma. First we must find our way to Ahimsa for SELF. Ahimsa does not mean we allow others to wreck havoc on our lives and stand idly by. Ahimsa does not make doormats or victims of us. So for me - the first thing that must be done is to reduce harm to self. Until we can take ourselves out of harms way - it is unlikely we can effectively deal with others in our tribe or family situation.
Ahimsa in practice: Move with compassion, love, understanding, patience, self-love, and worthiness.
I consider the meaning of this in my own family - life. I begin by saying that forgiveness is a given - not for the family at large, but for myself. I forgive them for me. I find a point of compassion for each person in my family. I need to see that each of them have been searching for happiness and peace in their own way. What they do or have done is not personal - tho it be directed at me.
Whew.
Love. I can love them, each of them. I do not know them well. I don't understand their logic, reasoning or motivations - and I likely never will. This is ok. I can love them anyway. I can also love myself. I can love the little girl who has been damaged, hurt, abandoned and betrayed. I can love her with consistency. I can protect her from further harm. I can love the woman I have become, warts and all. I am the sum total of all that has happened to me. I will continue to transmute all those experiences and allow them to be part of what carries me forward.
Understanding. I cannot profess understanding for members of my family. I can stop asking "why". I can stop trying to make sense from non-sense. I can let go of the monkey brain that tries to sort out the why of other people's actions because the reality is I will never know, why. It is ironic that the estrangement of family is a sanction or a punishment - but one that misses the mark because I for one, have no idea what its really about! I can understand that it is not possible for me to get my need for tribal connection and family from the people who are my birth family.
Patience - patience to work through these issues as they arise and to do so with compassion with a view toward healing, forgiving, moving forward - so that I do not recreate the patterns over and again. Patience when I find myself having to wade through Root Chakra issues ... again. Patience with the people in my life who mirror these issues back to me - and allow me the opportunity to move through them in a different way. Patience for myself when I fail to see the issues for what they are. Patience for myself when I fall into patterns of behavior that do not create change or healing.
Self love - practicing compassion, gentleness, loving and caring for myself. Keeping myself out of the way of harm. Giving gentleness and caring to myself when I am gripped in the turbulence of another go round of First Chakra 'stuff'.
Worthiness - seeing myself worthy of relationships which are based in mutuality - of caring, of love, of Ahimsa. Seeing that all other people, my family too - are also worthy of Ahimsa.
It's a good deal to think on - and it certainly demands consciousness and effort. While I meditated after doing some yoga asanas (yes ones that activated First Chakra energy) today - I felt a sense of expansiveness in the vicinity of Root Chakra that I am not conscious of having ever experienced before. There is movement and that is a good thing.
Today (June 28th) marks the peak of the current Merc Retro, which is occurring in the sign of Cancer - the mid cycle intensity now amplified by the full moon energies already ebbing in but culminating tomorrow in a Capricorn-ian full moon - emotionality reigns supreme (especially the emotional, internal landscape).
Yippee - are we having fun yet?!
I was reading my horoscope for this week, and was advised to, "Just stay home, and put yourself in quarantine" - and that is exactly what I have been doing. Some call it avoidance, some call it 'opting out' - I call it good sense to know when you're in the midst of a battle you can't possibly win, uncommon good sense to surrender in the face of overwhelming odds.
The question is - what am I really surrendering? The theme of the last couple of weeks is emotional investments and attachments - not only in current relationships but those from the past and also the emotional relationship we have with ourselves - the Capricorn-ian full moon is gonna add a little linear thinking to the emotional soup that people have been swimming in.
For myself its been about observation without the need (or will for that matter) to react or respond to it. I see the emotional elements in play - for me, this retro in Cancer means a lot of family crap has been resurfacing - and while I still have very strong feelings ... I am also past the point of reflexive reaction.
A favorite astrologer, Kim Marie notes that one of the key demands from this Merc retro in Cancer/Full moon in Capricorn cycle is emotional maturation (and it becomes readily apparent that age does not correspond to emotional savvy or maturity). She suggests the following question,
" Why have I chosen this particular family environment and what is it that it can teach me?"
My considered response to this question is, I didn't - that is right, did NOT - choose my family on any conscious or meaningful level. I didn't choose my mother, or my father or their extended families complete with individual and collective baggage and bullshit. If I have learned anything - I have learned where to draw the line in the sand between the things I am responsible for and can control - and the things that I can't. That my friends, is emotional maturity.
Further to this - I have learned that all love is conditional. Even (blasphemous as it is to say) the love between parents and children. We can love people - and yet choose to disassociate from them - we can also stop loving people - even if said person gave birth to us, or came from our loins. This while very sad, is also real ....
I am playing about with a new tarot deck, The Osho Zen Tarot (yes I know, darlings - back to my internal war with Eastern Philosophy). Anyhoo - what should leap up earlier today, but the Fool. In the Osho deck, the interpretation runs thus:
A FOOL IS ONE who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn.
It made me think of current family dramas - we have one person saying that forgiveness and turning of cheek is 'right action', two others saying, "one who chooses to sleep with snakes deserves to be bit". This is a schism of ideals and ideas ... perhaps of experience. Because someone is family does NOT (in my book) give license to repeated harm against self or those I love. It's not ok. When someone has a lifetime history of bringing pain - I need to learn from these experiences and I need to protect myself from repeat occurrences.
I will not discount my experience.
Zero is the place occupied by the Fool. It is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Well Monty - I'm gonna take Door Number 1 - the one where my past experience and rational mind take precedence over trust and innocence. This too is emotional maturity.
Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here-now, as if just born, just a babe.
There is value in this, attachment to experience doesn't leave much room for appreciation of new experience - at the same time, we are not tabula rasa.
This jarring observation may clash for those who would practice the Zen of Now and the understanding of impermanence - or the bog standard Judeo-Christian faith. Sure I can choose to let go of emotional attachment to past experiences (and boy do I). I can choose to forgive those experiences (and the people involved) - I don't, however, let go of the fact or awareness that the experiences happened.
Finally, the pot has been well stirred this Merc Retro with my consideration of the responsibility of those who are Bystanders ... peripherally involved parties who bear witness and for whatever reason remain 'uninvolved'. This may be about fear, it may be about ingrained helplessness, it may be about not wishing to 'choose sides' - however in the face of obvious abuse and ongoing insanity - Bystanders become complicit participators.
There is another two weeks of Merc retro and I very much doubt I am finished with these musings. My most treasured truism ... more is always revealed.
Yippee - are we having fun yet?!
I was reading my horoscope for this week, and was advised to, "Just stay home, and put yourself in quarantine" - and that is exactly what I have been doing. Some call it avoidance, some call it 'opting out' - I call it good sense to know when you're in the midst of a battle you can't possibly win, uncommon good sense to surrender in the face of overwhelming odds.
The question is - what am I really surrendering? The theme of the last couple of weeks is emotional investments and attachments - not only in current relationships but those from the past and also the emotional relationship we have with ourselves - the Capricorn-ian full moon is gonna add a little linear thinking to the emotional soup that people have been swimming in.
For myself its been about observation without the need (or will for that matter) to react or respond to it. I see the emotional elements in play - for me, this retro in Cancer means a lot of family crap has been resurfacing - and while I still have very strong feelings ... I am also past the point of reflexive reaction.
A favorite astrologer, Kim Marie notes that one of the key demands from this Merc retro in Cancer/Full moon in Capricorn cycle is emotional maturation (and it becomes readily apparent that age does not correspond to emotional savvy or maturity). She suggests the following question,
" Why have I chosen this particular family environment and what is it that it can teach me?"
My considered response to this question is, I didn't - that is right, did NOT - choose my family on any conscious or meaningful level. I didn't choose my mother, or my father or their extended families complete with individual and collective baggage and bullshit. If I have learned anything - I have learned where to draw the line in the sand between the things I am responsible for and can control - and the things that I can't. That my friends, is emotional maturity.
Further to this - I have learned that all love is conditional. Even (blasphemous as it is to say) the love between parents and children. We can love people - and yet choose to disassociate from them - we can also stop loving people - even if said person gave birth to us, or came from our loins. This while very sad, is also real ....
I am playing about with a new tarot deck, The Osho Zen Tarot (yes I know, darlings - back to my internal war with Eastern Philosophy). Anyhoo - what should leap up earlier today, but the Fool. In the Osho deck, the interpretation runs thus:
A FOOL IS ONE who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn.
It made me think of current family dramas - we have one person saying that forgiveness and turning of cheek is 'right action', two others saying, "one who chooses to sleep with snakes deserves to be bit". This is a schism of ideals and ideas ... perhaps of experience. Because someone is family does NOT (in my book) give license to repeated harm against self or those I love. It's not ok. When someone has a lifetime history of bringing pain - I need to learn from these experiences and I need to protect myself from repeat occurrences.
I will not discount my experience.
Zero is the place occupied by the Fool. It is the numberless number where trust and innocence are the guides, not skepticism and past experience.
Well Monty - I'm gonna take Door Number 1 - the one where my past experience and rational mind take precedence over trust and innocence. This too is emotional maturity.
Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here-now, as if just born, just a babe.
There is value in this, attachment to experience doesn't leave much room for appreciation of new experience - at the same time, we are not tabula rasa.
Finally, the pot has been well stirred this Merc Retro with my consideration of the responsibility of those who are Bystanders ... peripherally involved parties who bear witness and for whatever reason remain 'uninvolved'. This may be about fear, it may be about ingrained helplessness, it may be about not wishing to 'choose sides' - however in the face of obvious abuse and ongoing insanity - Bystanders become complicit participators.
There is another two weeks of Merc retro and I very much doubt I am finished with these musings. My most treasured truism ... more is always revealed.
I've been out of commission in blog land for the past few days - we've got stomach flu making its evil presence felt in our house.
This brings me to an observation about parenthood and children.
Sometimes it is very difficult figuring out where we end and they begin.
Case in point, last week Middle Miss started school here in Aussie. Her first day was about as terrible as anyone could imagine it - everything literally went wrong for her. When she came in the door, I knew instantly that things had gone badly amok. As I sat with her while she cried (most of that evening and the next morning too) - bitterly unhappy about her new school - I found myself in tears too. I didn't just 'feel sorry' for her, or just 'empathize' - I felt upset and sad right there with her.
I desperately wanted her first day of school to go well. I want her to settle in a new place (country, home, neighborhood, school system) and feel good about it. I would like her to benefit from the amazing opportunity to live in another country.
I want her to be happy.
I can do (and did do) some damage control. I can call the school and let them know that they dropped the ball with my kid. She didn't get the support she was promised. No books, no locker, no buddy, no help deciphering her new timetable, no discussion about the sucky elective she was dropped into. I can let the school know as a parent, I am not impressed and I would like more from the school. But I can't make things FEEL good for my kid.
Day two at school went better. She got some help, some books, a locker, some idea about her timetable. She came through the door and I could instantly 'read' she felt at least a little happier. This meant I too, was a little happier.
Today, she is sick. Last one in a family of four to get intimate with our new roommate, the flu. She wasn't sure if she should go into school or not - she's still 'verging' on flu. I was giving her a hug, and I could smell the scent of sick on her. Not because she is throwing up yet, not because there is anything wrong with her hygiene, she had just had a shower to get ready for school - but because I am her mom.
I gave birth and when I did, I got a built in radar that literally lets me smell illness in my child, before she is barfing. Go figure.
Parenthood is a curious trip - it seems we are hardwired to our kids in so many different ways; physically, emotionally, financially, psychically. No wonder it is hard sometimes to know where I end, and they begin. It's not a 'good' thing, or a 'bad' thing - it's just 'a thing'. Ya know?
Sometimes it is very difficult figuring out where we end and they begin.
Case in point, last week Middle Miss started school here in Aussie. Her first day was about as terrible as anyone could imagine it - everything literally went wrong for her. When she came in the door, I knew instantly that things had gone badly amok. As I sat with her while she cried (most of that evening and the next morning too) - bitterly unhappy about her new school - I found myself in tears too. I didn't just 'feel sorry' for her, or just 'empathize' - I felt upset and sad right there with her.
I desperately wanted her first day of school to go well. I want her to settle in a new place (country, home, neighborhood, school system) and feel good about it. I would like her to benefit from the amazing opportunity to live in another country.
I want her to be happy.
I can do (and did do) some damage control. I can call the school and let them know that they dropped the ball with my kid. She didn't get the support she was promised. No books, no locker, no buddy, no help deciphering her new timetable, no discussion about the sucky elective she was dropped into. I can let the school know as a parent, I am not impressed and I would like more from the school. But I can't make things FEEL good for my kid.
Day two at school went better. She got some help, some books, a locker, some idea about her timetable. She came through the door and I could instantly 'read' she felt at least a little happier. This meant I too, was a little happier.
Today, she is sick. Last one in a family of four to get intimate with our new roommate, the flu. She wasn't sure if she should go into school or not - she's still 'verging' on flu. I was giving her a hug, and I could smell the scent of sick on her. Not because she is throwing up yet, not because there is anything wrong with her hygiene, she had just had a shower to get ready for school - but because I am her mom.
I gave birth and when I did, I got a built in radar that literally lets me smell illness in my child, before she is barfing. Go figure.
Parenthood is a curious trip - it seems we are hardwired to our kids in so many different ways; physically, emotionally, financially, psychically. No wonder it is hard sometimes to know where I end, and they begin. It's not a 'good' thing, or a 'bad' thing - it's just 'a thing'. Ya know?
It's been ages, but I popped in to Post Secret after a friend (who is also a mother) told me about the Mother's Day theme they had goin' on. I'm still trying to stumble through the emotional fallout of another Mother's day - mine with my kids was great - but in respect to my own mother .... so not ok.
Two images prick my heart ....
Two images prick my heart ....
This one because it so poignantly illustrates disconnection and the endless lengths we will go to for mother love, acceptance and approval. I know this one intimately as I play out my Sisyphus role with my mother ... rolling that relational rock up the hill, only to watch it crash down again.
I wonder tho - do we ever get to truly give up?
Inter-familial toxicity.
Mother's Day is officially over.
I wonder tho - do we ever get to truly give up?
Inter-familial toxicity.
Mother's Day is officially over.
Silence is compliance.
This is a big deal in my family -- no one wants to 'pick sides' - or risk speaking to the blatant insanity and injustices that run rampant through our metaphorical (and occasional literal) living rooms. We don't want to risk having people get angry at us -- or maybe it is more we do not want to risk the family matriarch's - my mother's - wrath.
So we have, through silence, participated in all manner of abuses. We have scapegoated, disconnected, removed ourselves, or the offending others - we have known darkness, and pretended lightness in the name of unconditional love.
It's no freakin' wonder I distrust silence.
Silence can stretch endlessly - until an entire family is obliterated in the wake of it.
Recovery begins with breaking silence. Breaking silence brings recovery from compliance.
A happy mother's day thought.
This is a big deal in my family -- no one wants to 'pick sides' - or risk speaking to the blatant insanity and injustices that run rampant through our metaphorical (and occasional literal) living rooms. We don't want to risk having people get angry at us -- or maybe it is more we do not want to risk the family matriarch's - my mother's - wrath.
So we have, through silence, participated in all manner of abuses. We have scapegoated, disconnected, removed ourselves, or the offending others - we have known darkness, and pretended lightness in the name of unconditional love.
It's no freakin' wonder I distrust silence.
Silence can stretch endlessly - until an entire family is obliterated in the wake of it.
Recovery begins with breaking silence. Breaking silence brings recovery from compliance.
A happy mother's day thought.
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