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Thanks Mahoganie -- I remind myself to never underestimate the power of 32 words!
You are good :)
And of course, correct!
short and sweet.
brilliantly to the point.
:)
Thanks for reading Arulba. The poem is really about the way we establish or forge identity - particularly in respect to the strength of identity held by our primary care-giver(s). This is part of a series I am working on about unmothered - mothers.
And of course *I* in a poem or any writing is a perspective and a voice, not a person, not necessarily me :)
I consider myself to likewise be an un-mothered mother. But I guess I don't thin of my identity as having been forged by her. That thought makes my stomach hurt. I think my identity existed prior to my mother's interpretation of it. Had it been forged by her, I wouldn't have held out in my revolt. I fought for my identity in the face of the one she tried to give me (or rather, took sought to take away). The human spirit is far too strong for one individual to forge the identity of another. There is no reason to give anyone that sort of power.
Your words make my heart ache a little. I am working on this series for people who went unmothered, and also for mothers, who find mothering v hard (often because they were unmothered - but also because of the very nature of the job).
I agree, no one person forges our identities. It remains interesting to me however, the range of EFFECT others identities have on us.
I am fascinated, deeply moved and impacted by others' stories of what it has been to be unmothered, or how being unable to mother 'right' impacts women, and of course, their children.
Thank you v much for sharing a little of your heart with me.
Maybe I've been over-protective. I worry about that, sometimes. But my kids are both in their teens now and both claim that although they agree their lives have not been "perfect", they are happy with the way they have been raised.
I've wanted for them to be who it is they are. And that's a constant struggle. How much do you get angry about grades not being what they could? Do you ground them from the things that really matter to them - like vocal lessons and guitar because they got a bad grade in Chemistry?
I did the attachment parenting thing in their younger years. They nursed as long as they wanted, slept as long as they wanted in our bed, etc. Transitions were easy because of this. If I apply the same mentality to high school, will the transitions be as easy? I don't know. But that's what I'm doing. I'm trusting in their own inner wisdom because that is what was never done for me. Mine was completely ruled out as worthless.
It may be an over-compensation. I don't know. But so far, both of my kids have thanked me for it. I guess the verdict is out until they are adults trying to make it in the world on their own. Then we'll know what the experiment has produced.
How much is this a rebellion toward what my mother did to me and how much of it is some sort of "inner knowledge"? I don't know yet and probaby wont' know until I'm in my sixties. :)
I really wanted children, and I really love them to bits -- but parenting is the most counter intuitive job I have ever taken on. Ya don't know what ya know until ya know it.
Compensatory parenting ... is an interesting idea. I certainly decided a lot of what I didn't want to do or be as a parent, based on my own experiences as a child. Ironically, I find I still have pulled many of the same issues forward with my kids. Perhaps the saying what you most resist persists, has some merit.
On the other hand, my kids have more than I ever did in terms of an honest mother who calls it like I see it - doesn't claim perfection and is willing to step up to the plate and discuss issues, be accountable, be loving.
I will never opt out on my kids. They are never greeted with silence. They don't need to wonder if they are loved. I made mistakes. I didn't abuse them. That's a whole lotta improvement!