"...but American girls are pretty and charming - little oases of pretty unreasonableness in a vast desert of practical common-sense."
- Oscar Wilde
The England of Victoria was scattered with the bones of their disappointment. They foundered on society's unforgiving landscape and were held fast, like sparrows caught on barbed wire. They swooned, jeweled wraiths, across a countryside of regret.
These were the daughters of America, bred from the new, raw, ricih. Vanderbilt. Morgan. Whitney. Jerome. Thjeir fathers were the barons and the bankers, dirty from railroads, mines and Wall Street. Their mothers were coarse and pushy - seeing their future in the calling cards accumulating in the salverby the door.
They had the money. But the family name needed something beyond wealth, it needed dignity, it needed respectability. So it was the responsibility of their dainty - if doomed - daughters to wash their fathers' hands and smooth their mothers' silhouettes and manners.
These nouveau riche had made their names. But they also needed titles. So they groomed their daughters, pressing them like flowers between the intolerant walls of behavior and decorum. They were being prepred for adventures across the sea, and England was ripe for plunder.
Waiting to be claimed by these "dollar princesses" were the impoverished sons of the peerage, languishing in ballrooms like dying wolves. English girls, steeped in tradition and hooded eyes, had no chance against the audacious competitors which invaded their country. There was a type of charm in their impudence and fresh faces. They flirted and teased with a rapier-like modesty. Like pirates they ransacked the aristocracy until their accents rang in every large house in the country.
But the Victorian aristocracy had been growing tired and decadent. The husbands who had married American money bore hidden depravities and resentments like coiled diseases. Their country houses were dank and moldy, chilling their golden brides. The romantic wistfulness, the daring hand on an ungloved arm, were all for show at the Mayfair parties.
So many times after the marriage, the heiress would fade away, her fine dresses never unpacked, her jewels clouded and tangled. When Consuelo Vanderbilt wed the Early of Marlborough, her tears made a diamante pattern across her wedding veil.
Maud Cunard sacraificed her bohemian mentality for a cold, bitter life in her husband's Northern lands.
Jennie Jerome's husband was a brilliant parlimentarian, and would die of syphilis.
Mary Leiter worshiped her parents' visits: "I love the chairs you sat on, and try to see you there, and my eyes fill with tears."
This was the Gilded Age, society's golden veneer, the false, desirable beauty. It only took a false word, the image of a young bride in a locked bedroom, to scrape the paint away - to reveal the terrible depths of a dark heart, its cruel, hidden realities.
I was just about to say - thank god its Friday.
But its only Thursday isn't it.
Well I hope there's a cold bottle of wine in the fridge.
You know how sometimes you have a job to do and everything goes wrong? I had one of those jobs this week. It was an order of 20 tiles and everything that could go wrong did go wrong. There was a point yesterday when I felt like taking all the tiles outside and smashing them to small pieces, then seriously hurting whoever was nearby. In fact at that point I would've paid the people to take them away from me.
So I considered lying on the bed and having a quick cry, but I didn't. I sucked it up and got them done. And now they're all packed up ready to post.
And it reminded me of this job I had once. It was my first job when I left school. For an accountant doing boring bookeeping type things.
And he was a dodgy creepy sleazy bastard who fancied me.
And his wife who also worked there was a nasty mean bitter old bitch.
And she in particular made my life hell. She was so mean and twisted that she made me a nervous wreck and I used to do everything wrong and then she'd think I was stupid. She'd just be at me all the time and I couldn't concentrate.
Of course these days I could drag both their ugly arses up for harrasment but back then there was nothing like that. You just had to suck it up.
I left in the end because it was starting to mess with my head.
I hope they both got their comeuppance
oh look, almost wine o clock
anyway, here's a sort of newbie
What's your guilty television pleasure?
I love The Little Couple on TLC. They seem so happy together and they seem so happy with their lives in general. They both made in far in their careers and their lives seem to follow sch a perfect plan. They make me wish my life was as smooth and hapy as theirs appears to be. Oh my other favorite show is cake boss. No deep reason for it, I just like it.
Here I am, still a thousand years behind you
holding on to memories, trinkets and the dead flowers
afraid of ever moving on,
after all these years
and all these endless moments without you.
The silence that grows greater with every passing second
has me under such a spell
that the very thought - of you, of your grace, your brilliant eyes,
your angry tears, your burning heart -
fills my heart to bursting,
and I fear I will never know you again.
I can picture you now on your wedding day,
arm in arm with someone better,
wearing that perfect dress you've drawn a million times,
the prospect of a home, a future, a child and a life of splendor
burning naked in your heart, arousing and inspiring such a hope
that I could never have hoped to arouse and inspire in you.
And I hope that you find happiness wherever you can,
that you find someone you truly love,
someone that brings you joy
and makes you feel alive, as I could never do.
I would that even my softest glances, behind such long lashes,
had made the impression that I wish they had.
Farewell, my love.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Love always,
forever and a day,
William.
Not even the greatest love story ever written
can compare to the dreams I had of us.
It pales in comparison.
we adjust and we adjust and we adjust
for isn't life one big acclimation process?
It's 3 am. I've been on a snow capped mountain for the pat two days. A mini get away with my mom and daughter. I'm working on one of the two last papers I have due for the semester. Though the paper is roughly easy, I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I really should have been done with the paper like... yesterday. Yet my mind wanders. Honestly my brain hasn't been letting me rest much since I had a dream my first night here in the mountains.
I woke up from the dream with the after thought of "huh?" I was actually worried a bit. My dream consisted of FISH!!! You see, it's been long said, especially among African Americans that fish in a dream represents pregnancy. Somebody, maybe even the person the person that dreamed it, could be pregnant. After my first pregnancy I have looooooong ago stopped saying "never." My first pregnancy taught me a lot about my own medical condition, my body, timing, doctors and so forth. I'm not going to lie and say I've been celibate since the birth of my daughter. Still, I'm doubtful that pregnancy is looming near me...at this time.
I woke up from the dream thinking. I thought about how a few close friends of mine are pregnant. I'm ecstatic that they are, but I feel sad on some level. I actually miss being pregnant and part of me feels as if I didn't bask in the glow of my pregnancy like I should have when it was my time. I was an emotional wreck during the whole process and almost became a recluse. I wasn't depressed. I was just trying to process everything that was happening to me and the baby at the moment. Granted I had family support, I still wasn't supported emotionally. That was the largest missing piece. I don't think I started to come around until near the end, when I felt every movement of my daughter when she was inside of me. For the most part my pregnancy was easy. No real complications, like I've been hearing from one friend.. her sleepless nights, back aches and so forth. Still a large part of me wants to relive the experience, then I think when the child is actually here. I love my daughter to death, but being in a parent isn't a walk in a park 24/7.
Speaking of my daughter, I thought my dream could have something do with what took place the day before. As routine, whenever we come to these mountains we do a run to the local Walmart before climbing the hills to our abode. I never noticed before how this particular Walmart has an aquarium section with loads of goldfish for folks to oogle over and if they want; pick some and take them home. I wheeled the Snickerdoodle over to this section and we oogled over the colorful goldfish for a while before rejoining my mother. So maybe my dream was a reaction to that?
I thought more about the dream. In it, I was visiting with an old friend I haven't spoken to in a year. We were standing in a small yard to a very small adjoining house. We were talking about an instructor whose class we were taking together. I noticed in her very small yard, there was a man made pond filled with goldfish. The dream flipped to when we are going inside and her very small house was full with people; her two children, her mother and her sisters. The dream flipped again to where I'm inside my car. At first I was on my on my cell phone talking to the same instructor my friend and I were talking about. I'm holding a paper that looks to be an exam I took and there are red marks everywhere. There's no letter grade on the paper, but apparently I'm upset because I thought I failed. At some point I noticed a pool of water on the driver's side floor. I looked down to see numerous goldfish swimming around. I don't freak out in the dream, but I'm left wondering how in the world did the water and fish (that seemed to be from my friend's pond) end up in my car.
I looked up several meanings of fish in a dream. Of course there is the obvious meaning; pregnancy. However, most of the interpretations I've been receiving about swimming fish have been about prosperity, wealth and personal power.
For a moment or two I thought about the friend who was in the dream with me. I wondered if the dream was a telling of her fortune sort of speak. Granted we haven't talked in over a year (a small falling out - another story), but I get a sense of her life via Facebook. It seems she still has her ups and downs, but I just pray that she will see some kind of ray of sunshine and has to want it. She's dropped hints that she is working on returning to school, which is wonderful, but again being that we haven't talked I don't know everything that is going on with her at the moment. My mind flashed back to an email I received a month ago from JM. JM is a dreamer too. Her email simply stated a dream she had of me that showed me as successful, with very long hair and happy. Her dream seemed to be in align with my life, the current strides I've been making and so forth.
Then, in the midst of completing one of the papers, I minimized my work to check the local publication I interviewed with for the internship position. I flipped through their site to see if they posted the story I submitted to them two weeks ago. Still nothing posted and no final word on their decision.
It's now 4 am and my mind is racing; the swimming fish, finals I have coming up, wondering what will 2010 bring and a particular wedding dress.
The wedding dress isn't so random. I was watching one of my guilty pleasures last night: My Fair Wedding with David Tutera. Actually, I've probably explained this before, but I really love looking at certain wedding shows for the party aspects as I grab a few ideas. I love Tutera's work and would love to be able to afford him to put on a party of my own. Last night I was almost in tears as I watched this beautiful bride try her three different wedding dresses. She wanted a 1950s style theme and Tutera had her try on dresses that matched the era. One dress in particular; a soft pink dress, strapless dress set off with a crystal-like pendant at the waist. It had a cocktail look in the front and it stopped above the ankles, with a back that was blossomed into a ball skirt/train. It's better to see it than how I'm describing it at the moment. Ultimately it was the dress chosen for the bride and I fell in love with it. Moments later I posted to Twitter;
I'm not 1 of these chics dying to get married, but if I'm blessed enuff for it to occur, I've seen my future dress on David Tutera tonight
I saw that goldfish have a second meaning; mainly about an important emotional matter or a valuable insight. Pretty much it leaves the dreamer to figure out what they are emotional about. Me? I've been a little emotional about Papi. Again, I'm not pushing for marriage, sometimes I do get scared that I'm going to get bored or feel guilty about neglecting him especially since this particular semester was very I get nervous when I think about how we NEVER had an argument, we barely disagree, but a smile splashes across my face when I realize this calmness is something that is deserved on both ends and it's beautiful. Then I wonder.. wonder if he is really all mine, which causes me to hold back on true deep level feelings. I trust him, but... That damn but. As if I'm expecting the "manly nature of man" to fail me.. him.. us.
4:30 am and I still have this paper to complete.... yet I can't concentrate. Those swimming fish won't let me be.
I've been having a shocker with the 365 day photo thingo. I take them but then forget to post them.
But when I get back from Thailand I'll be able to bore you for weeks with photos. I was thinking today that its very inconvenient, how when you're trying to get ready to go overseas, normal life keeps going on and taking up time.
So, some photos.
Here is my friend Jem. We were out celebrating her birthday.
And here she is with her hubby.
Here is my foxxxxy daughter Kimba, the devil, and her good friend, Cleopatra getting ready for Cleopatra's birthday party.
And here I am with Big Ears.
And this is Betty chewing on the hindquarter of a small elephant. Or something.
Oh yes, and these are Lloyds shoes. Because he thought it might be a good idea to buy a pair or white dunlop volleys to wear to all the summer music festivals he goes to. This was after Parklife.
And these were my new nail polishes that you've seen before. And I don't really like either of them. But its ok because I have a newer smokin' rimmel red.
My friends are having trouble to track on their register post as they send out on last Wednesday morning. Until today they not able to check the tracking online as says not exist at all. It is sad to see some people only able to check them after they got their parcels.
Let me know if you have come across this before that you not able to track your items. Personally I give a try and check for my friend and it is true that I not able to find the code as says not exist. She emails to the post office and need to wait at least 48 hours to get their reply.
dominion - ride . . . the teaser
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